Streak day 384, nothingness endures

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April 30, 2016 by scratchtype1

7.2 miles this morning, the final day of April, to break 200 miles in a month for the 3rd time. Prior months of more than 200 miles were December 2014 and October 2015.

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My moods have been a bit shaky lately and the past week has had frequent nightmares. I found myself often pondering ideas about emptiness and I contemplated how physically everything inside the human body exists in darkness. Of course with how my mother died a little over 2 months ago, my thoughts and feelings have sometimes been skewing towards the terrain around loss and grief and lacking and the permanence of loss. Although not all loss is permanent, death is firmly permanent. And sometimes that thought knifes its way in through the ribs and suddenly there is a sharp pang deep in the guts, knowing knowing knowing that there’ll never again be a chance to talk with a person who has departed because of death.

So sometimes I’ve been finding myself running with a sort of desperation. Am I really alive? It feels more real if the conditions are sharp somehow. Cold rain. Near the edges of darkness. A long time on the legs. The bite of gravel far from home underneath the thin soles of minimalist shoes. Am I really alive? I don’t always feel certain of that.

And even when I run, that kind of nothingness endures and lurks deep down in the abysmal depths of me, down in the awful darknesses. That’s how I can tremble and feel fear even when running through beautiful sinuous stretches of mist sliding above the open fields, an early sun just breaking the line of the horizon and a warm orange glow in an eastern sky.

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